So I was in love..well I am in love. Sadly, my heart has been broken. My love doesn't love me as much as I love him and he has ended our relationship. I miss him terribly. I cry all the time and I can barely get out of bed. As I am unemployed the most I have to do in any day is look for work on-line. So I can in my depression sit here and cry. But this is a blog about IC and not about my love life. Here is what I have learned having IC and going through a break up.
1. I miss chocolate. I don't want to eat anything because I am so damn sad, but I would eat chocolate if I could. So I am faced with the choice, do I give in and eat chocolate and suffer an IC flare up. I am pretty sure a flare up would only make me feel worse.
2. Not eating anything (or barely eating anything) for three days, has some positive effects on my body. One, my bladder doesn't hurt. Probably because aside from water and peppermint tea, it hasn't had to process very much. I've lost about 5 lbs in two days. So my skinny jeans fit.
3. Sadly hardly eating has also resulted in a near chronic headache. I am so weak right now that I can barely focus. So if by this point you are asking why I haven't eaten..simple answer. Food makes me want to vomit. Also I am crying so much that I can barely breathe most of the time, so eating just seems pointless.
4. I haven't had a cigarette since Sunday. If I can keep this up for two more days than I am sure I can officially have quit smoking. Odd to decide to quit in the middle of one of the worst heart breaks of my life, but I haven't craved a cigarette since Sunday.
5. Of course I live in a state with medical cannabis, which is great otherwise I probably wouldn't be able to eat at all and I definitely wouldn't have slept at all. Also the more medicine I take the less I smoke cigarettes, I don't know why this is but it helps me.
6. Dating someone who can't eat dairy when I can't eat anything (in other words, I follow the IC diet and damn that thing is boring) is probably not the best thing in a relationship. We cooked a lot at his place and I made him dairy free shakes along side my vanilla ice cream shakes. But I think it was stressful on the relationship.
Going through a break up is really hard even at the best of times. However, to be 34 nearly 35 years old, separated (and awaiting legal divorce), living with one's mother, and have IC..well not to sound too full of self pity. But its awful. I loved that man so much and I still love him, hopefully tomorrow I will love him a little bit less.
Hang in there, sister. You only feel alone in your heartache because of our fractured, individualized, alienated society. The majority of humans are feeling some aspect of what you're feeling now.
ReplyDeleteJust the thought of writing about the lost love of my life makes me weary (though I referenced her in songs and she creeps into my fiction in disguise) and that was 4 years ago. Life's too hard as it is.
Hope writing provides some catharsis or comfort. I have no words of wisdom or sentimental assurances to offer. Personally, I just keep trying to create meaning each day and look for some comfort in the mystery.
All I'll say is, remember: you're not alone. And whenever you have the chance, no matter how remote, try to laugh. Laughter has, at times, saved me.
Robert
www.robertszeles.com
Robert,
ReplyDeleteI was touched by your comments and I thank you for the support.
Yours,
The Goose Girl
PS. I saw your comments on my other blog. I really appreciate the positive feedback.
My dear - Lest ye feel as if you are the only one.... I lost my job after 9/11. Couldn't find another in San Francisco. Had to move home to Phoenix, my mother's home. I was 37. Talk about feeling like a loser! Oy. (I sobbed all the way across the Bay Bridge) But. Here's the thing. My mother had COPD and my grandmother was in the beginnings of senile dementia. I spent 10 months in Phx looking after my kin folk. I cooked, changed light bulbs, gardened. I spent some good times with my mom. I'm glad I did it. But at the time, I didn't realize I had been given a gift. Time to be with my family.
ReplyDeleteI came back to California, got married, became a step-parent. My mom got to see me happy with a husband. Four days after I discovered I was pregnant, she died. And while my Gram got to see my twin girls, she was not really there anymore, mentally.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, be in the moment. Be with the people who love you. Light a candle. Many of us have loved unwisely. But at least we *can* love. Some cannot. I think that's worse.
warm fuzzies,
Jen
Dear Jen,
DeleteThanks for putting things in perspective. January was a really tough month, but things have gotten better since then. I mean I still don't have a job, I still live with my wonderful mother, and I am still licking my wounds from that last failed romance. But I no longer cry everyday and I can see all the many ways that man didn't respect me or understand me, not to disparage him as a human being, he just wasn't the right man for me.
Of course I am flaring up today so I feel like hell. But I know it could be worse. :P
TGG